Sunday, December 24, 2017

New Hope

As I have grown up, I realise a lot of things, and cleared up a lot of misconceptions along the way.
for example, I used to think that you can love anyone, it's just a matter of time and energy that you invest into someone. oh boy, how wrong was I. you just can't. you can pretend that you do, you can extend that over a really really long period. you can say that you will be happy and you can pretend to be happy. but deep down, you know it's not it. you know that something is missing. and the most fucked up part is, that you can never be sure that you'll eventually find it. prospects of that life scares the shit out of me.
and there are other element. I used to think of behavior as a consistent phenomena, you have a set of values which translate to set of responses, or rather I should say a set of "acceptable" responses and you can never go beyond them. well, I had episodes before too, but that was when I was in great distress, for example, sudden burst of anger, or pain. and at that time I show my true colors because I know that I will be forgiven for those things.
I feel like for a long long time, or I should say, from always, I am pretending. I am pretending to be someone I am not. and don't get me wrong. I have my reason to do that. I have created a persona, a person who seems likable to me and through response from other people, I keep tweaking that persona in order to get maximum acceptability.
Sadly that shit got to go now. I can't be two person. I am someone else totally. I am someone dark. I am someone bad. I want things. I get feelings. I become angry, jealous, posessive, condescending and what not. I just am awesomely good at hiding those things and why do I do that, because I want to be more socially acceptable.
or that's what I thought.  I remember the day I wrote the first entry to this blog. or may be it was second. but I do remember that. that day, someone on my face told me they don't like me and I don't know why, but that put me in distress. I don't know why. to be perfectly candid, I didn't like that guy either. or rather I should say, I hated him, for no reason whatsoever. there are a lot of people I hate, for no reason what so ever. and then there are a lot of people I hate, and for them I have my reason. but I still try to make everyone believe that I hate no one. I am this guy who is perfect, which he clearly is not.
as I was saying. behavior varies vastly, and the variation depends on countless factors ranging from time of the day, mood I am in, the thought I had just before, my likability for the other person and list goes on and on. and I try to streamline it, but I clearly can't. I have the "off" points i.e. points where I didn't show my ideal behaviour, and I think majority of my interactions are off points. lately I have been thinking that I should do away with this charade and just be who I am. life would be so much better, well, it won't be better, but atleast I won't have this weird struggle that I am facing right now.
I am not a nice person. I am rather bad. and when I say bad, I don't mean the "bad boy" kind, I just mean that I am not as good as I pretend to be. and I think it's high time I stop pretending.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

life happens... life goes on...

Shit happens
things fall apart
hearts get broken
you screw up
sometimes timing isn't right
sometimes its the person
and just when everything seems right
when U r all setup and put Ur heart on the line
its the moment life kicks U in the crouch
it's time u figure out things aren't the way u thought they were

I tried to stay away
I really did
but how can I stay away for real
when even in dreams I see you..
I miss u..

that's the way life teaches you..
its harsh but may be its the only way she knows
next time u think more..
next time it hurts less..
it get easier with time...
life happens.. life goes on..

Friday, August 5, 2011


u meet someone..
u find 'em attractive..
u create a image of the perfect person for you and start putting that person in your "perfect person" 's shoes..
u think u r in love..
even tell that person that u r falling for 'em..
and if u r lucky they say yes and u r the happiest person in the world..
till the illusion shatters..
u go on some dates..
u begin to know things about them
and start comparing that to the person of your dreams
you start compromising "what if she is li'l different than what i thought still I love her" till this reassurance stops working
as you find out that she is totally different that what you thought her to be..
then you try to get out..
but now you are trapped for eternity..
u start fight
start saying that the love is gone, fellings are gone
actually feelings were never there..

and that's how you define modern relationship :)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

some tough realizations

I realized that I m not as liked as I thought in people around me..
I realized that U can not rely on any one doesn't matter how close that person is..
I learned not to expect anything from others..
I learned that people will manipulate you, go behind your back, so better hurry and learn to do that..
I have seen most selfless people becoming selfish..
I realized that every living thing is selfish, only radius of self center differs..
I realized that there are people who will help u no matter what happens
and then there are people who'll sabotage you for no good reason..
I realized that a word of comfort  is all u need to get over any crisis catastrophic or minuscule..
I realized that you can not make every one happy even god can't, and if u r trying to do so then you are making at least one person unhappy,yourself..
I realized in order to survive in this "SOCIETY" you have to become selfish..
              In order to grow up, you have to learn to hide your feelings, to hurt someone, to be arrogant..

I guess its part of "GETTING MATURE"..
thnx for helping me understand that...