As I have grown up, I realise a lot of things, and cleared up a lot of misconceptions along the way.
for example, I used to think that you can love anyone, it's just a matter of time and energy that you invest into someone. oh boy, how wrong was I. you just can't. you can pretend that you do, you can extend that over a really really long period. you can say that you will be happy and you can pretend to be happy. but deep down, you know it's not it. you know that something is missing. and the most fucked up part is, that you can never be sure that you'll eventually find it. prospects of that life scares the shit out of me.
and there are other element. I used to think of behavior as a consistent phenomena, you have a set of values which translate to set of responses, or rather I should say a set of "acceptable" responses and you can never go beyond them. well, I had episodes before too, but that was when I was in great distress, for example, sudden burst of anger, or pain. and at that time I show my true colors because I know that I will be forgiven for those things.
I feel like for a long long time, or I should say, from always, I am pretending. I am pretending to be someone I am not. and don't get me wrong. I have my reason to do that. I have created a persona, a person who seems likable to me and through response from other people, I keep tweaking that persona in order to get maximum acceptability.
Sadly that shit got to go now. I can't be two person. I am someone else totally. I am someone dark. I am someone bad. I want things. I get feelings. I become angry, jealous, posessive, condescending and what not. I just am awesomely good at hiding those things and why do I do that, because I want to be more socially acceptable.
or that's what I thought. I remember the day I wrote the first entry to this blog. or may be it was second. but I do remember that. that day, someone on my face told me they don't like me and I don't know why, but that put me in distress. I don't know why. to be perfectly candid, I didn't like that guy either. or rather I should say, I hated him, for no reason whatsoever. there are a lot of people I hate, for no reason what so ever. and then there are a lot of people I hate, and for them I have my reason. but I still try to make everyone believe that I hate no one. I am this guy who is perfect, which he clearly is not.
as I was saying. behavior varies vastly, and the variation depends on countless factors ranging from time of the day, mood I am in, the thought I had just before, my likability for the other person and list goes on and on. and I try to streamline it, but I clearly can't. I have the "off" points i.e. points where I didn't show my ideal behaviour, and I think majority of my interactions are off points. lately I have been thinking that I should do away with this charade and just be who I am. life would be so much better, well, it won't be better, but atleast I won't have this weird struggle that I am facing right now.
I am not a nice person. I am rather bad. and when I say bad, I don't mean the "bad boy" kind, I just mean that I am not as good as I pretend to be. and I think it's high time I stop pretending.
for example, I used to think that you can love anyone, it's just a matter of time and energy that you invest into someone. oh boy, how wrong was I. you just can't. you can pretend that you do, you can extend that over a really really long period. you can say that you will be happy and you can pretend to be happy. but deep down, you know it's not it. you know that something is missing. and the most fucked up part is, that you can never be sure that you'll eventually find it. prospects of that life scares the shit out of me.
and there are other element. I used to think of behavior as a consistent phenomena, you have a set of values which translate to set of responses, or rather I should say a set of "acceptable" responses and you can never go beyond them. well, I had episodes before too, but that was when I was in great distress, for example, sudden burst of anger, or pain. and at that time I show my true colors because I know that I will be forgiven for those things.
I feel like for a long long time, or I should say, from always, I am pretending. I am pretending to be someone I am not. and don't get me wrong. I have my reason to do that. I have created a persona, a person who seems likable to me and through response from other people, I keep tweaking that persona in order to get maximum acceptability.
Sadly that shit got to go now. I can't be two person. I am someone else totally. I am someone dark. I am someone bad. I want things. I get feelings. I become angry, jealous, posessive, condescending and what not. I just am awesomely good at hiding those things and why do I do that, because I want to be more socially acceptable.
or that's what I thought. I remember the day I wrote the first entry to this blog. or may be it was second. but I do remember that. that day, someone on my face told me they don't like me and I don't know why, but that put me in distress. I don't know why. to be perfectly candid, I didn't like that guy either. or rather I should say, I hated him, for no reason whatsoever. there are a lot of people I hate, for no reason what so ever. and then there are a lot of people I hate, and for them I have my reason. but I still try to make everyone believe that I hate no one. I am this guy who is perfect, which he clearly is not.
as I was saying. behavior varies vastly, and the variation depends on countless factors ranging from time of the day, mood I am in, the thought I had just before, my likability for the other person and list goes on and on. and I try to streamline it, but I clearly can't. I have the "off" points i.e. points where I didn't show my ideal behaviour, and I think majority of my interactions are off points. lately I have been thinking that I should do away with this charade and just be who I am. life would be so much better, well, it won't be better, but atleast I won't have this weird struggle that I am facing right now.
I am not a nice person. I am rather bad. and when I say bad, I don't mean the "bad boy" kind, I just mean that I am not as good as I pretend to be. and I think it's high time I stop pretending.
